In a recent
conversation, the age-old topic of the need or desirability of sexual abstinence
came up. The exchange made me contemplate this vexed question again: there is
only so much you can think through in a lifetime, and perhaps my opinions had
been made in haste and needed some correction. Without having really developed
a definitive viewpoint, I have to reformulate my present thinking about it.
Celibacy, pro and con
Out of
politeness already, I wouldn’t want to condemn abstinence as superfluous or, as
some consider it, harmful. I know too many people who have chosen celibacy as a
lifestyle, either by oath or de facto, and seem to be quite satisfied with it,
apparently never even giving it another thought. While stories of sex scandals
(true or false) involving gurus make good newspaper headlines, I have known
quite a few celibate monks who were great yogis and never seemed to have
doubted their choice, e.g. the late Swami Hariharananda Giri, Swami Veda
Bharati, Swami Dayananda Saraswati (of Coimbatore), or Swami Naradanada Tirth. If
you have a sufficiently heady goal, most of all yoga, it can make you forget
most worldly attachments, including the need of a mate. They also cite some
important advantages, to be discussed below. Still, the objections to it are
equally old, and were often expressed by people with long and voluntary (but as
they later judged it, “misguided”) experience of it.
Vedic literature
represents an old objection to celibacy and to any other form of deliberate
childlessness, viz. that by virtue of being born from a billion-year-old
lineage of parents and children, we show ingratitude by breaking that lineage.
Instead we have a duty to procreate and continue this line. Indeed, the gift of
life by our parents creates a debt in us which we can only discharge by a gift
of life to children of our own. By that yardstick, celibacy or any other
deliberate prevention of procreation is a form of parasitism, of willfully not
discharging one’s duty. When the Buddhists in India institutionalized celibacy,
or when they introduced it in China, Brahmins and Confucians
objected that the Buddhist monks refused to play their part in the chain of
life. While their economic parasitism could perhaps be tolerated as they had it
in common with a part of the elite, their biological parasitism really stood
out as contrary to nature.
And yet,
celibacy has had success. The Jewish Essenes, the Christian monks (later also
the Catholic priesthood), the Vedantic and Jain monks, the Daoist monks, they
all took to celibacy. It would seem there is a link between the spiritual
vocation and celibacy. In each of the affected religions, laymen and some
religious personnel lived a normal married life, equally compatible with the
spiritual life, but celibacy freed up the most motivated seekers for full-time
spirituality. Out of enthusiasm for the higher life, numerous youngsters are
willing to sacrifice the prospect of conjugal life. Even activists who set
their standards lower than Liberation choose celibacy as the way to free them
from family constraints so they can fully devote themselves to their work, e.g.
the Opus Dei members or the Hindu-nationalist RSS whole-timers. Belief in the
validity of the goal for which you sacrifice married life largely determines
whether you will see the effort through.
On the other
hand, the Protestant Reformation largely abolished religious celibacy, and one
Japanese Buddhist monastic order opened itself up for “married monks”. Some
religious leaders explicitly condemned celibacy, reviving the old Vedic
objection to “parasitism”, notably the Sikh lineage. In my own youth, I
witnessed the wave of Catholic priests leaving the priesthood because they
preferred the love of a tangible woman to God’s love. It is not that they felt
any less religious, just that they couldn’t tolerate the shackles of celibacy
anymore. As one of my professors, who was a married ex-priest, said: “I still
feel like I am a priest.” For the same reason, many clerics sworn to celibacy,
in all the religions concerned, have strayed from their vows and enjoyed love
on the side, all while remaining in their religious roles. The grass is always
greener on the other side of the hill: among those who have experienced
celibacy, second thought develop.
To prove that celibacy
is not strictly necessary for the higher life, Hinduism knows of a category of
married yogis, known as seers or rishi-s, who continue the tradition of the
married men who became court poets and composed the Vedic hymns. The belief
that Liberation can only be reached by celibate monks is in evidence in some
texts, but is clearly wrong. My own principal yoga teachers have been married
men.
A realistic system
intermediate between lifelong marriage and lifelong celibacy was the Vedic
system of the three life ages: as student, as householder, and as
“forest-dweller”. (A fourth stage, of renunciate, has later been added to it,
but Hindus are mistaken to understand this as a fourth stage; it is an
alternative to the second and third stage in civilians’ life, viz. celibate
monkhood.) The forest-dweller stage starts when a householder has married off
his daughters and seen his first grandson: he withdraws from his worldly
duties. Often, he also withdrew from married life. I say “often”, as distinct
from “always” and “never”, because real life is more varied than the uniformity
of the law books. The best-known forest-dweller was the sage Yajñavalkya, whose
epoch-making explanation of the Self, the absolute cornerstone of all Indian
thought, was in fact a farewell address to his co-wife Maitreyi. When the
musician Ravi Shankar lost his wife and remarried in old age, some Hindus were
up in arms because the married state (and in his case, producing more
offspring) was not proper for his station in life.
The genesis of religiously motivated celibacy
The origin of
celibate monkhood probably lies in the bands of young warriors living on the
outskirts of society and spending their days putting each other to tests of
courage and fortitude. Normally, for every young man this phase of life ends
when he gets married. At stag parties, it is part of the ritual that the
friends try to dissuade the groom from leaving their jolly good company and
choosing the constraints of marriage and the householder’s life. Now, imagine
that this mock dissuasion succeeds. Some young men do not want to leave this
tough but free life; they want it to be their lifelong vocation, till death. Celibate
monks are older men who continue the bachelor lifestyle of young men. Their
asceticism is a peaceful but equally demanding form of the tests which young
warriors impose on one another.
Among the first
known practitioners of asceticism (the “sky-clad” Munis described in the
Rg-Veda, forerunners of the Naga Sadhus, who indeed still have a martial role
and train in wrestling-halls; and the proto-Jain ascetics), it seems that
celibacy did not so much mean sexual abstinence. It didn’t matter if they did
it with prostitutes or other willing women, what counted was that they remained
free from the bonds of marriage and the endless social codes that accompany the
householder’s state. This then is the first reason for celibacy, one equally
known to the non-religious “confirmed bachelors” in Western society: to remain
free. To be sure, “freedom” can mean a number of different things, but in every
case it is deemed to be mutually exclusive with the constraints of marriage.
Being free from social codes is the defining trait of the renunciates’ life,
which is why they shed their civil name with its connotations of region, caste
and family.
That sexual
abstinence was not required from sages who stuck to an unmarried wandering
lifestyle, is proven by their employment as sperm-donors. If a married man was
infertile and wanted to have offspring, he used the services of a man who lived
outside society. As a renunciate, he was also deemed to have the necessary
disinterest and self-control not to embarrass the social father. Thus, when regent Bhishma needed
a stand-in to produce offspring on the widows of the deceased king
Vichitravirya, he brought in the sage Vyasa. (When the royal wives received
this forest-wanderer, they were struck by his ugliness. Ambika closed her eyes,
so the son born from this union was blind; Ambalika turned pale, so her son was
pale and weak; but when the first queen’s maid was led to him, she had no such
hang-ups and enjoyed their union, so her son became a royal counsel renowned
for his wisdom.)
A wholly
different reason for celibacy, very prominent in India but also known
elsewhere, is the belief in the supreme energy content of sperm. It is a fact
of life that ejaculating causes tiredness, proving that energy has been lost. After
sex, men tend to fall asleep rather than playing along with their energized
wives, or so the wives complain. Conversely, saving your sperm gives you
spiritual power. A variation on this idea is the Freudian notion of
“sublimation”: either you spend your sperm in normal sexual activity or you
sublimate it into a passion for higher pursuits. Since you cannot use your natural
quotum of sexual energy twice, directing this energy into spiritual matters
requires saving it from its more worldly use. When Indian freedom fighter
Subhas Chandra Bose died at the end of WW2, it transpired that he had an
Austrian wife and daughter, but millions of his followers refused to believe
this because such a charismatic leader could not possibly have wasted his
sperm. Also, Adolf Hitler was so popular (among Muslims because of his
anti-Semitism and militarism, but also) among Hindus because of the swastika,
his vegetarianism and his propagated (though untrue) reputation for celibacy.
So, both men and
women could invoke, as a justification for a life without sex, the waste of
time that living with a partner and possibly with children would entail for an individual
devoted to higher pursuits. But only men could also invoke the waste of sexual
energy: women were supposed to be more determined by nature, unable to make a
serious difference by their doings or non-doings. At any rate, the choice of
spurning sex life and practicing celibacy became the hallmark of the spiritual
life, esp. after Shankara (8th century CE) established a monastic
order at the centre of Hindu society.
The correct
interpretation of Vedic texts is tricky, but usually Hindus take the story of
the couple Agastya and Lopamudra as referring to this sexual abstinence for
spiritual reasons. In the end, she managed to seduce him into doing his conjugal
duty. This would be mankind’s oldest testimony of the belief in the spiritual
value of abstinence, though the Vedic poet failed to commend it (just as the
one Vedic testimony of sati, i.e. a widow’s following her husband into death,
is at once a rejection of this practice). This belief is given as the prime
reason for the celibacy of the monkey-god Hanuman, the secret of his immense
strength; and of the historical strategist Chanakya, who transmuted his sexual
energy into political and military shrewdness. It is given as the reason for
the celibacy of monks, but also forms the basis of the phenomenon of married
men deciding to live with their wives as “brother and sister”.
Abstinence within marriage
Famously,
Mahatma Gandhi told his wife Kasturba that henceforth, after four children were
born to them, their marriage would be free of sex. Some people consider this
saintly, I am not so sure about that. After his wife’s death, he, already in
his seventies, found it necessary to “test” his chastity by sleeping with naked
young girls. Again, some consider it saintly, I think it was positively sick. So
many millions of men have practiced chastity, either by lifelong celibacy or by
remaining faithful in marriage, and never made a song about it. They just did
it whereas this saint had to make so much drama about it.
In his Autobiography of a Yogi, Swami Yogananda
testifies how his mother confided to him that she and her husband had had sex
only once a year, just enough for procreation. In Hare Krishna communities,
married couples are required to have just enough sex for procreation, and
otherwise to abstain from it. In my observation, this results in cold marriages
and a high divorce rate. I have also had several friends impose this abstinence
on their wives or girlfriends, and invariably saw this end in separation. It
seems the intimacy of sexual relations is good for the bonding between spouses.
I doubt that people who practise this abstinence are thereby so much more
spiritual than others, eventhough this sacrifice of pleasure and togetherness
proves their initial spiritual commitment. In this case, I tend to forgive Saint
Paul for his wrong views on matters like the illusory Resurrection, and recommend
his advice that husband and wife should not refuse each other their bodies.
An alternative,
now popularized in New Age circles through workshops called “Tantric” or
pertaining to the “Dao of Love”, is that sperm should indeed be saved, but not
at the cost of sex. This goes back to an ancient practice in Chinese elite
circles of having sex without “spilling” any sperm. The man can save and
maximize his life force by dipping his “stalk” into the female juices but
refraining from ejaculation. The woman has no such option, but nonetheless
greatly benefits: it is because of her sexual excitement that the juices flow.
Feminists might object that the woman only serves as an instrument for the
man’s practice, but at least her satisfaction is highly valued, which is rather
preferable to, say, female genital mutilation. Of course, modern science is
skeptical of the magical properties ascribed to sexual juices, but at least the
practice of having sex without ejaculating is reported by many men as both feasible
and beneficial. The initial hurdles to be overcome are a sense of incomplete
satisfaction afterwards, which is overcome with some practice; and the female
partner’s feeling of being rejected, of the man withholding himself from her.
It is up to him to prove to her that this was a mistaken impression, and that
in fact she stands to gain from his self-control. In this case, the spiritual
benefits ascribed to this limited form of sexual abstinence are not moralistic
and anti-sexual, but pertain to the tangible gain in energy. The sexual excitement
and “friction” generate energy, and this energy is then channeled upwards. The
self-control contributes to a yogic attitude, though yoga itself is still
something else.
This
glorification of sexual abstinence has a basis in reality, but is much
exaggerated. Modern medicine holds that at least some sexual discharge is
healthier than constant self-denial. The choice between celibacy and marriage
involves far more than just the sexual aspect, but here the evidence is even
stronger. It has been shown that Protestant vicars, who are married, enjoy a
longer and healthier old age than Catholic priests, who are celibate. Hindus
will also object that Christian abstinence differs from Hindu abstinence in
that Christians effectively save up their sexual energy but don’t use it,
whereas in yoga it is transmuted into spiritual power. Being familiar with both
religions, I hesitate to speak out, if only because many venerated Hindu sages
aren’t really yogis.
“Tantra”
Conversely, the
“Tantric” glorification of sex is equally exaggerated, or is just plain wrong.
As a lady commenting on the sex scandal involving US president Bill Clinton
said, pooh-poohing all the commotion: “It’s only sex.”
Sex is only of
limited importance in yogic matters. The New Age slogan “f…ing towards
Enlightenment” (to borrow from a cover-story in the leading Dutch New Age paper
Onkruid) is obviously ridiculous: sex
turns attention outwards, whereas yoga turns it inwards. More seriously, it can
be observed that the attitude regarding celibacy and chastity differ between
different traditions promising a path to Liberation. In some traditions they
will teach you that abstinence is indispensible, whereas in others the same
spiritual path is practiced and taught by married men. The main difference here is not between
Western and Eastern, as both cultural spheres have known both celibacy and
skepticism thereof. Some think abstinence is a precondition for serious yoga,
others hardly even talk about the subject.
Now that the
word Tantra has acquired such a titillating aura in the West, it deserves
mention that this is all a big misunderstanding. To be sure, Tantra is a major
tradition and contains a lot more than this “left-hand path” of sexual
indulgence. Leaving those 99% aside, we had better realize that the explicitly
sexual part (the “transgressive sacrality”, i.e. doing for religious purposes
what is otherwise forbidden) is less than appealing. As a well-known researcher
says: the Tantra of New Age workshops is mainly concerned with giving women
better orgasms and men more staying power, but these were not at all the focus
of Indian Tantra practitioners. What was more in evidence was a sacrificial
ritual in which sexual fluids were offered to the gods. Not really appetizing,
and nothing that a modern Westerner would deem capable of triggering anything
worthwhile.
Sexual symbolism
is in evidence, as in the copulating gods of Tibetan Buddhism, or in the
Shiva-Shakti imagery, but its meaning is multidimensional and should not be
reduced to the sexual level. Thus, the mantra “Aum mani padme hum” can be
translated as “Hail the jewel in the lotus”, which Freudians (including a vocal
school of American Indologists) eagerly interpret as “the penis in the vagina”.
In fact, the sex organs are only the most explicit incarnation of the male and
female principles which are operative at every level, like the Chinese yin/yang
principles. It is heaven/earth, consciousness/nature, bright/shady, hard/soft,
fire/water etc., and yes, also male/female. The reductionist interpretation as
“nothing but” sexual symbolism is simply wrong and shows the limited framework
of psycho-analysis. The smaller cannot contain the greater, and
psycho-analytical models cannot grasp the vastness and complexity of Hindu
cosmology.
Marriage
Marriage may not
be for everyone, but for many it is the best setting for living their lives,
even for practising yoga. What should it look like?
As a principle,
walking the spiritual path entails limiting your worldly needs. Buying all
kinds of objects, travelling etc., it should all be kept to a minimum and
subordinated to the ultimate goal. Pursuing sex for its own sake may yield
colourful and interesting life-stories, but it is not yoga. Abstinence within
marriage may not be as colourful, but it need not be yogic either; it is only
recommended if both partners really agree to do it. However, if you get
restless by sexual abstinence, or if it entails going against social norms
(such as the requirement to “pay off your debts to your ancestors”), or if you
simply like living with your own family, a normal sex life paradoxically frees
you up more for spiritual life. In that case, as my yoga teachers taught me, it
is best to create a sociologically safe situation within which togetherness can
flourish. In today’s Western society this may not strictly require marriage
anymore, but a stable and enduring “relationship” is at any rate most conducive
to a yogic state of mind and a successful yoga practice. Love triangles,
cheating and all those other little pleasures only create unrest and distract
from what is really important.
Divorce may
sometimes be the best solution, and it is a good thing that this is now
accepted; but it should be the exception, not the rule. Indeed, many people get
divorced very mindlessly (often after getting married on a whim, too), in
passing also breaking up common projects and of course the protective common
home of the children. Most divorces that I have witnessed, including my own,
left in their wake a whole trail of material and emotional damage. All this
turmoil should be minimized if at all you want to focus on getting somewhere in
yoga. The yogi does not care to condemn the free sexuality of today’s society,
but it is hardly a yogic lifestyle.
While I reject
the Gandhian notion that husband and wife should live together as brother and
sister, for all men and women not united in a marriage bond, it is the perfect
model to follow. Hindus have a festival called Raksha Bandhan, the “bond of
protection”, in which women tie men a thread around the right wrist. This
signifies that they are united as brother and sister, that he will protect her
and she will give him good advice. (After all, women are wiser than men.) Its
general meaning is that men and women have a meaningful relation but without the
sexual dimension. Well, I can’t guarantee that Raksha Bandhan makes a real
difference in society, but at least the ideal is established.
In marriage, by
contrast, the partners should be united by “love and admiration”, as one of my
first yoga teachers (I remember being proud to be given his luggage to carry),
Ekiralla Krishnamacharya, said. This is all the more remarkable as most
marriages in India are arranged. You are expected to muster love, no less, for
a partner picked by your parents. Rather than an initial lightning of “love”,
meaning attraction, gradually subsiding, as in movies and in the West, your
love is expected to grow gradually, as you get more common experiences. That
often doesn’t work, anymore than love marriage always works. But on the whole
it gives fewer failed marriages, and as yet fewer divorces, than the Western
system.
One of my yoga
teachers in Belgium had a kind of arranged marriage. Since he spoke about it in
public, I guess it is okay to repeat the story here. When he was translating
for a lady who was taking a lesson from their joint Guru, the latter surprised
him with the question: “Do you like X?” And her: “Do you like Y?” Without much further
ado, they started preparing their wedding. Some 35 years later, they are still
together; she now has cancer and he is lovingly taking care of her. Beautiful.
Being very much
a Westerner myself, I am rather attached to the joyful experience of falling in
love. Sentimental! I remember, long ago, talking to ordinary Hindus in Varanasi
who had to laugh at the lyrics of sentimental love-songs, saying that you can’t
build a lasting marriage on something as fleeting as emotions, even an emotion
melodramatically presented as “love”. But then again, I understand that the
surprise of meeting the partner selected for you, and gradually discovering all
her charms (as well as the rest), has a lot going for it as well. While I
realize the possible drawbacks, I happen to have met many couples for whom an
arranged marriage was or is successful. Loving the spouse selected for you is
an extension of the love for those who did the selecting, viz. your parents. It
doesn’t deprive you of the right to choose, because some decades down the line,
you will choose the spouses of your children.
As for
“admiration”, it means that, while there may be a downside to your spouse’s
personality, you always have to focus on her good aspects. Of course we have to
see the positive side in everyone and everything, and we often fail; but this
is not just anyone, this is your spouse. It is really imperative that you
always remain conscious of the best in her. To turn one of the most profound
lines of Hindu philosophy into a piece of marriage advice: “Not because of the
wife is the wife being loved, but because of the Self.” This implies an act of
will. If you only go, reactively, by your emotions triggered by your partner’s
behaviour, you may find fault in her. But here, you remain conscious of your
own attitudes and stay on the positive side. Happy outcome guaranteed. It is
like Patañjali’s enumeration of the benefits of his life-rules: the imperative
of “contentment”, forcing yourself to be cheerful no matter what, yields the
benefit of “always being happy”.
In divorce
stories, one recurring complaint is the frequent outbursts of anger, ultimately
making life together unbearable. A yogi has control over his moods. Except for
saints, some anger may be inevitable, but at least you can develop the habit of
treating anger as wrong, to apologize for it as soon as it dies down, to make
up for it, and to stop thinking that you had a right to be angry. Modern
therapists are wont to say that it is good to vent your anger, that you shouldn’t
repress your emotions. Indeed, you shouldn’t repress them, you should make them
die down by remaining aware. Admiration for your spouse means that you remain
aware of her dignity, so that you think twice before venting your emotions on
her. This is a thoughtful and respectful attitude, yogic par excellence.
Conclusion
Yoga is the
self-realization of consciousness, which is the same in men and women.
Therefore, the modalities of sex (or no sex) only pertain to the practical
setting, not to yoga itself. Any guidelines are partly determined by culture,
and are at any rate relative. They should not be taken too literally.
These too are
only some fleeting thoughts of mine and undoubtedly fail to do full justice to
the importance of the topic. But the topic must at least be recognized as
important,for I have seen too many people wrestling with it or getting fixated
on some related belief or other. We should be realistic in these matters, all while
keeping our eyes on the ultimate goal.